12 - ¡No way, güey! - Sanmiguelada 2004

La Jerga's Bullshit Guide to Sanmiguelada, The Running of the Bulls in San Miguel de Allende by Ran Scot
The Sidewalk Slam
Okay, I cannot stress this enough, when there are bulls running around on the street, you have to pay attention. This bull should have never gotten this man in this position. How does an 800 pound bull sneak up on you?

This is where most tourists get hurt. Thinking since they are far away from the action, they think that the bulls too, think they are away from the action. This is not correct thinking.

No matter where you are in the Centro, beware. Bulls have been known to get over the hoods of trucks, through even the hardiest barricade, basically anywhere besides where all those people keep getting in their way. It is a classic example of controlled chaos. But chaos it is, so keep your eyes peeled at all times for the random errant bull that is about to gorge out your liver.
Read Our Complete Guide to Running with the Bulls in San Miguel de Allende, Mexico.

Guía Mojonera de la Sanmiguelada
por Ran Scot
El banquetazo
Bueno, yo no puedo alertarte suficientemente, pero cuando hay toros corriendo por la calle, más te vale estar poniendo atención. Nunca debes darle al toro la oportunidad de tenerte en posición vulnerable. ¿Cómo podría sorprenderte un animal de 800 libras?

La mayoría de los turistas salen lastimados pensando que como están lejos de donde ocurre la acción, los toros también lo están. Y esto no es así. No importa en qué parte del centro estés, ten cuidado. Se sabe que los toros pueden saltar el cofre de una camioneta y aún a través de las más difíciles barreras, básicamente a cualquier lugar menos a donde deben estar.

Este es un ejemplo clásico del caos controlado. Pero el caos es caos, por tanto mantén los ojos bien abiertos al posible hecho de que un toro esté a punto de cornearte el hígado.
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El Molino del Mimo
por Daniel Kandell Zamudio
(Español) Por toda la ciudad hay gemas ocultas. Un día estás buscando una cosa y de repente te topas con algo completamente maravilloso e inesperado. Tal como pasó la semana pasada, cuando visitamos el Hotel Refugio del Molino en la Salida Real a Querétaro. Fuimos incontrolablemente arrastrados hasta allí buscando un mini golf sobre el cual sólo habíamos escuchado rumores. Ran estaba al frente del equipo de investigación de La Jerga formado por él mismo y Pablo Escopeta. Y por gracia divina, los rumores fueron ciertos. De hecho, además del mini golf (vea la reseña de Ran), había mucho más. Ran regresó con historias fantásticas de un extraordinario rancho hotel con hermosos jardines, una elegante piscina y un padrísimo bar sacado de las películas de ficheras de los años 70’s. Todo esto hizo sonar las campanas y desactivar las banderas rojas para mí. Gracias a que Ran, inadvertidamente, fue a dar con uno de los poco conocidos tesoros sanmiguelenses. El hotel fue construido e inicialmente propiedad de Mario Moreno Reyes, mejor conocido como uno de los comediantes más grandes del mundo, Cantinflas.
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(English) There are hidden gems all over this city. One day, you’ll be looking for one thing and then suddenly stumble across something completely wonderful and unexpected. Such was the case last week, when we visited the Hotel Refugio del Molino on the Salida Real a Querétaro. We had been uncontrollably drawn here in search of putt-putt (mini) golf, which had been whispered only in rumors. Ran commandeered a La Jerga field team, consisting of himself and Shotgun Pablo. And low and behold, the rumors were true. There was indeed putt-putt. (see Ran’s review in insert) But there was much more. Ran returned with fanciful tales of an impressive ranch hotel, with beautiful gardens, a gorgeous pool and a badass bar straight out of a 70’s Mexican sexploitation movie. This all rang bells and set off red flags for me. Ran had inadvertently stumbled upon one of San Miguel’s little known treasures. The hotel had been constructed and originally owned by Mario Moreno Reyes, known to most as one of the world’s greatest comedians, Cantinflas.
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Advertising Works
by Stucco Steve
I confess I am an ad junkie. I love seeing the combination of words and images that stir people’s interest. If McDonald’s didn’t advertise people would wretch recalling what their last meal there tasted like. But wait, what other restaurant has Happy Meals? What kind of person dislikes a meal that is happy? I know. That’s a toughie!

One great reason to love Mexico is their TV ads. They use the sexiest women to sell everything. Off camera a male announcer asks “Have you got corns on your feet?” Enter the most gorgeous women you’ve ever seen wearing a nurses micro-mini skirt (or extra wide belt) with sheer white pantyhose. She explains explicitly how with her salves, drops, pills or pads you soon will be smiling, scoring and corn free. Now I don’t have corns on my feet but after listening to her I’m going out and stocking up on that stuff…Just in case. After all, a corn free life is not guaranteed.

Nuns That Kill
by Keith Keller
I came up with “Nuns That Kill” as a title for a short film, having no idea what this film would be about. I just thought it was catchy, an attention getter. I’m a stream of consciousness writer, which means I don’t like to do outlines. This can be annoying for editors, as my stream of consciousness tends to wander, with odd twists and turns, often doubling back on itself. It’s the editor’s task to get my story back on a steady course. Sometimes that stream flows swiftly and surely to La Jerga’s pages. Sometimes. Jack Kerouac sat down and wrote “On The Road” in three weeks, from start to finish, upon one continuous 120-foot-long, scrolled-up piece of teletype paper. I can’t do that. That many drugs make me sick.

Lately, my stream has been a dry riverbed. Dry as a bitter salt lick. So I decided to take my film title, just start writing, and see where it took me.

I ran the title by a few friends. Most scrunched up their faces and seemed skeptical. One said wherever this would take me, it would probably be a bad place. Another accused me of picking on a minority.

Mexican Blackbirds
by Toby Marsh
The Mexican Blackbirds from Tacoma, Washington are one of a few truly great punk rock bands to emerge from the USA in the last couple of years. Their debut cd, Just to Spite You, on Dirtnap Records has drawn rave reviews from punk and garage heads across Japan, Europe and the U.S. The Blackbird’s various tours through the western half of the U.S. has generated much excitement everywhere the band has shown up.

I was able to get with singer Chris Trashcan for a few questions recently:
T.M. How did you come up with the band name? Are any band members actual Mexicans?
C.T. i always liked the name ‘The Chinese Millionaires’. i just thought that was a great name. so i tried to ape it, but couldn’t come up with anything. one night i was watching Young Guns 2. you know how in the movie, billy the kid is duping them (the regulators!!!) into believing he is taking them to mexico to be free, when actually he is taking them back to fight? well, the name of the trail they were taking is called the mexican blackbird. the outlaw trail to mexico. so i heard it, and was like ‘crap, that’s also the name of one of my favorite ZZ Top songs ever.’

Plan B: Solar Sails
by Otto Reimer
You promised me Jetson car, and by the God I will have my Jetson car. That is really true if you really think about the way the world is run today. But we can all sit here hooting and hollering about all the bad things or we can get to a real Plan B. I apologize for the quality of writing in this feature before. I tried to be highfaluting with it, so just throw a beret on it and send it onto the realm of bad coffee house literature. Instead I am going to tell you what I envision what ever so clever toys we will have.


Buenas y Felices Noticias
Basureros sin logotipos
La actual administración municipal afortunadamente puso fin a la prostitución corporativa de los espacios públicos y ha colocado recientemente estos nuevos, discretos y prácticos basureros plásticos casi en cada cuadra y hasta en colonias fuera del centro. Brillante. Alguien se dio cuenta que si ponían basureros en el pueblo, la gente realmente los usaría.

Abren nueva estación de policía
Uno de los más positivos e impactantes cambios que la nueva administración ha implementado es la ubicación de una nueva caseta policial en la Colonia San Antonio. La nueva caseta se localiza en la esquina de Orizaba y 28 de Abril, un área que en los últimos años se ha plagado de bandas juveniles callejeras. De hecho, una confrontación con una de estas bandas fue la que detonó la apertura de la nueva estación.

Good and Happy News
No-Logo Trashcans
The current municipal administration thankfully put an end to the corporate branding and whoring of our public spaces and they have recently installed these new, discreet and practical rubber trashcans on nearly every block, even in colonias outside the Centro. It’s brilliant. Someone figured out that if they put trashcans around town, people would actually use them.

New Police Station Opens
One of the most positive and impacting changes the new administration has implemented is the placement of a new caseta (police station) in the Colonia of San Antonio. The new caseta is located on the corner of Orizaba and 28 de Abril, an area that in recent years has been plagued with the infiltration of juvenile street gangs. It was actually a confrontation with one of these gangs which prompted the opening of the new station.

San Miguel Loses an Angel
by Steve Kelso
All of us have times when we bump, stumble or trip into seemingly hopeless situations. After two years in San Miguel I was in one of those situations and sinking into depression. My plans for setting the world on fire with my stucco machine were finished. I had two year old friendships but no relatives or contacts of any import. My rent was three dollars a day and back then, I had no idea how I was going to come up with that kind of money. It was fall – football season and Casa Mexas was packed to the rafters on Sundays. I would scrape together the pesos for an iced tea (with free refills) and nurse that tea from noon till dark. Oftentimes I’d palm leftover burger scraps and fries before the bus boys could haul them off. One Sunday this wrinkled old Texas lady with a crazy smile caught my eye and said “matter of factly”, “I don’t know you!.” After introductions we exchanged the usual watcha doing, where ya from stuff.